Suddenly I see this abyss approaching in front of me. Soon before I have to jump, and after that there’s not much else to be done but trusting I’ll land safely, somewhere along the line. The only thing is that I feel there’s so much be arranged still – and therefor can go wrong. Everything is connected like a chain though and waiting for some kind of ultimate insurance, knowing for sure that it will work, is impossible. I have no choice: I have to make decisions that I cannot oversee.
For starters, we have already made the downpayment for our van and right now we’ve started selling our stuff. But only on the day of handing over the keys of our house, it’s actually one hundred percent certain that we will have indeed sold it, and that we can go on our journey as planned. In other words: then we will know whether we’ll still have a roof over our heads – and wheels underneath.
One hundred percent. I only just begin to realise how much I’ve always liked having security. I’m not the person who calculates their chances and takes a wild guess, I just wait for the moment I know for sure. But yeah, when do these moments actually arrive? And will they ever? I’m really starting to doubt that now. Either way, I feel grateful that the amount of uncertainty that I experience right now is so overwhelming, that I can’t do anything but surrender to it.
Letting go. Not the easiest task for a control freak, who indeed likes to have control over everything. I’m sure I’ve taught myself to be happy about that. Because, well, whenever you’re with me, you’re bound to know everything will go right as planned. Everything will be fine. Just leave it to me! Now I wonder what such a perfectionist mindset is going to get me. And is it not just fear, on which my internal control freak’s based its existence upon?
Enjoying yourself to the max
We’re all afraid of losing something. For instance, I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose your job and thus have to leave your home. Even though that’s a very real thing in this world’s society. It happens all the time. The strange thing is that, on paper I have now done more or less the same thing. I’m giving up my beautiful home and the rest of the fine life I used to know. Of course: being able to make that decision myself makes all the difference.
Life’s in motion, always. We are born and we die. Does that render our best efforts on this earth useless? No, because the very knowledge that our life as an expiration date, makes us want to enjoy it as much as we can. While we can. It’s the very reason why we buy fresh flowers in stead of fake ones. By now I live in this house for over five years, and each day of that I have enjoyed being there. But since the day I knew I won’t be in it anymore, as of mid-October, this feeling of enjoyment has grown even so much stronger. As if you were to stay for one night in an expensive hotel room you otherwise can’t afford, which makes you want to take in as much of the luxury around you as possible, because it’s so special being there.
All of a sudden it makes great sense to always put an expiration date onto everything. Why should I want something forever? Why should I try to stick to security? Life is great just because it’s finite.
This article has previously been published in Dutch on 365dagensuccesvol.nl